he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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