So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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