never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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