And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm getting married
To pizza
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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