I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
