The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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