Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
