just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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