did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
