so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
