fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
