I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
