and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
