if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
