Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
