it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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