I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
