I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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