You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
