There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
