I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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