don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
