you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
