I should be sponsored by Trojan
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i will never coherently bang her
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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