I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
