Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
