what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
