I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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