The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
