I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
