well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
me + whiskey = a bad person
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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