my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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