apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
