turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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