Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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