I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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