I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
