sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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