I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
