your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
