And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
