i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
