perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
