You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
