Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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