All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
