Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
