My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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