theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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