Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
