tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
