I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
